My Archives: December 2002
Sunday, December 22, 2002
The Holidays mean a change in my routine. I DON'T DO CHANGE WELL!!! ARGH! These times mean a lot of nostalgia, as well. For me, some of those memories are uncomfortable, or down right painful.
So, i'm doing a bit of planning on how to cope witht he added stress in my life during the next few weeks. Below is a list of my choices. Care to share/comment on yours?
1. an extra meeting this week
2. call my sponsor at least twice each week.
3. CAUTION! there's using all a round - if i choose to go to them, make sure i'm able to leave those parties (always drive)
4. remember my commitment to NOT USE TODAY
5. write an entry about the last time i used, and remember the pain and chaos
6. pray daily
7. keep asking, "What do i need to do NOW for my recovery?"
8. keep close tabs on the HALT meter: don't get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.
9. keep journaling
10. give something to someone without them knowing it was me.okies... your turn!
PEACE TO YOU!
Tuesday, December 17, 2002
Man, it's been awhile since I've posted here. Slacker, slacker. Well, I'm feeling a little bummed and irritable...happens every 28 days, I guess. Sucks to be a woman sometimes. I didn't go to my homegroup meeting tonight like I should have, for a couple reasons. I was irritable and lazy, which are never good excuses but I'm gonna use them anyways. The other is a little more complicated and I'm doing my best to avoid the situation.
The secretary of my home group is this 40-ish year old man, very professional, one of those people you could never, ever, ever even think of in a sexual way. You know? Well, he has my email address to send me the occasional blurb about our Area Convention or our home group members, whatever. Well. The other day he sends me this email, going off on scotch being his favorite drink in his past, and then, out of nowhere, he puts:
"And, I've inluded a link below for sexual reading. Blah blah blah...I go to it when I don't get what I need at home."
Ack! Sexual Reading? Omigod. Totally, totally inappropriate. I was very much offended. And I am left with feelings of guilt....over what? Over nothing. It's like it's a natural response for me to feel guilty when anything chaotic happens in my life. In my past, I was always the cause of the chaos and therefore had every reason to feel guilty. Well, this automated response isn't justified anymore and I don't appreciate feeling this way. Oh well. Fourth step, right?
I guess I give off some kind of sexual vibe. I swear to god, it's not a conscious thing. I matured in a fucked-up, drug-ridden state of mind, where sex was one of the few, if only ways of relating to the people around me. To get drugs. Companionship. "Love." So the way I carry myself and relate to others is based upon this, and even though I don't mean anything even remotely flirtatious, it apparently comes across that way. I dunno.
So I guess that's what happened with Mr. Secretary. My other problem is drawing the line when someone steps over my boundaries. I don't wanna "hurt" someone, and a myriad of other excuses. Well, I decided it was growth on my part if I finally drew the line. Not responding to his email would be accepting his advance by default. So, I wrote back, and said that I did not think it was appropriate, that it made me question his intentions in our friendship, that my intentions are purely platonic, and that it would be best if he did not send me anything like that again.
He wrote back and apologized. But I didn't respond to that and I avoided the meeting tonight to avoid the situation. All-in-all, though, I'm happy that I said what made me uncomfortable. I struggled with whether or not I should tell my husband about it, feeling guilty, expecting him to accuse me of something. I know he doesn't tell me everything in his life. But, after talking to a friend, I was reminded that I am working a program of total honesty, and if withholding that information from my husband made me feel uneasy at all, then I needed to tell him. So, I did, and he was totally cool about it. Amazing.
Ah, the bed and my depressive feelings are calling my name. Thank you guys and gals for my recovery.
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
Theo's post below reminded me of something I heard not to long ago at a meeting. The difference between a Good Day and Great Day for an addict/alcoholic is as follows:
You wake up ... the sun is shining ... eat a healthy breakfast ... kiss the wife/husband ... go to work ... boss pats you on the back telling you about your new promotion and the raise that goes with it ... work goes real well ... go home, wife has dinner ready for you .... go to a meeting, watch some T.V. go to bed ... you did not use or drink. that is a Good Day
You wake up - late for work ... no time for breakfast ... flat tire on the way to work ... get to work to find out you have been fired ... go home, read the letter the wife/husband wrote you telling you that they want a divorce .. your pet goldfish died ... go to a meeting ... you did not use or drink, now that is a Great Day
last night's meeting was great. one of my sponcees, whom i hadn't seen in a couple of weeks, showed up. he is still clean, and has even started working his first step. we had a nice chat. the topic for the meeting turned out to be "powerlessness in relationships." one addict shared about his struggles dealing with his wife who has relapsed and has done the using addict 'disappearing act.' his pain was real. a lot was shared about powerlessness, obsession, and feelings. most helpful for me was the reminder that this program is about a process. why do i get the idea that my life is not suppose to be uncomfortable? where do i get the idea that pain, suffering, loss, grief, etc. are not suppose to touch my life.
one of our readings says,"our program is a set of principles written so simply that we can follow them in our daily lives." it does not say that these principles are easy. it does not say that my life will be free of all pain. at best, following these guidelines can reduce the amount of self-inflicted chaos and pain. yet, life around me will still happen. the tire will sometimes be flat--in the snow--when i have no jack--no spare--no phone. my friends will sometimes disappoint me. my wifey will be rude. my job will suck....sometimes. and, sometimes all will be well.
so, just for today, i'm grateful to be clean, employed, happily married, and to know that i am loved dearly by my god.
Friday, December 6, 2002
simple truths comfort me. "not drinking is not enough" was the most recent mantra to keep myself moving in recovery. the next one for me is a direct evolution from the last: "other than not drinking, has your life really changed?"
well, it has a great deal. but saying this helps me look at things more realistically and not bullshit myself.
most recently i have realized another problem i have that i must deal with. i'm not going to go into details, but it's another obstacle i know i can learn to work through. this helps me realize i am making progress.
this shit is just too fucking hard!do we ever get to take a vacation from chaos? the concept of journey vs. destination is tough medicine to take sometimes. i get restless, i make breakthroughs and i seem to repeat the cycle. maybe it is a rhytmn instead if a bad cycle? arrgh. luckily dealing with my latest obstacle might clear some of this up for me.