My Archives: November 2002
Tuesday, November 19, 2002
Yes, tomorrow marks six months since the day i admitted i had a problem, that I needed help and was willing to reach out and ask for it. It seems like ages ago. When i was finally sick and tired of being sick and tired and lonely and isolated, when the chairperson asked, as the meeting was ending, if this was anyone's first day, I raised my hand. A rousing chorus of "KEEP COMING BACK! KEEP COMING BACK! KEEP COMING BACK" filled the air. Tears began pouring down my face. I was embarassed but I knew they understood. I need to remember that day and what had become of my life that compelled me to get help. The isolation. The self-loathing. The loss of hope. The fear of life. The inability to show up for anything other than my job. The inability to leave my apartment without the "kit": the papers, the pipe, the matches, the lighter, the eye drops, the breath mints, and of course the weed. The inability to leave for work without lighting up. The inability to refrain from using during work hours. The inability to show up for anything other than for my addiction. The phone that never rang. The answering machine that always displayed "0" messages. The loss of time. The inability to remember anything 5 minutes after it was said or done. I forget all of the above. It's good to be reminded. Thanks for providing this forum.
Monday, November 18, 2002
Lately I have been waking up with this awfull Hacking feeling like shit. I believe It is because I smoke too much. I really should quit ... but that is the last thing on my mind. "You try to quit using, drinking and smoking all at once and see how you do" I think to myself. "dont do anything drastic in the first year" ... to quit smoking is to do something drastic ...
My sponsor says ... "dont worry about it" ... I understand that, but I dont want to feel like this every morning. So maybe I should cut back a little ... I dont know .. only smoke at night, try to only smoke a pack a day, don't buy cartons anymore. Thank god cigarettes dont change my personality like alcohol or drugs do. Or I would be in big trouble. Cigarettes dont cause me to miss work ... at least untill I get lung cancer.
Hmmm, ok I am bablling and starting to think too much ... so I wont think. I will just Do ... and smoke a cigarette while I am at it :)
i just wanted to say "thanks" to Trinity and Brad for setting up and maintaining the Rebos.org homepage and the Serenity Cafe'. i cannot express how helpful this project has been for my recovery. thank you!
a special thanks, also, to all of the addicts/alcoholics out there who drop by, post, read, email and pray. you help me stay clean!
Keep coming back.
Tuesday, November 12, 2002
November 12, 2002 here they come
i've been slowly grasping the reality of emotions as it applies to the concept of time. i've grasped the concept of no more drinking--ever. it's the concept of "i'm going to have to feel everything--forever" that is hitting me in waves.[more]
here come the holidays. and there are days i dunno if that's a good thing or bad. i'm staying positive about navigating the booze. it's the stress that typically hits during the holidays that makes me want to drink that i am worried about.Posted by Lost One @ 09:28 PM EST
[26 Chips]Tuesday, November 5, 2002
November 5, 2002 Recovery takes work
I only have 4 months in the program. So I am just learning what it takes and what I should and shouldn't do. This is what I feel I have learned in the past four months.First off, I have learned more about myself and my surroundings. How I react to things, what I can and can not do (what I am powerless over) ... I have probably experienced all 12 principles of the program in the 4 months in one way or another.
I compare (from my point of view) this program to School. When a new quarter, or semester would start I would have all my shit together. I would show up, take notes, get A's and be a happy camper ... this would last about 3-6 weeks .. then I would start slacking off. Before I know it. I am failing my classes, skipping school and basically not giving a shit. How does this compare. Well when I first came into the program I showed up, I got a sponsor, I worked the steps ... and about 8 weeks later I relapsed cause I wasn't doing what I should be doing.[more]