Thursday, October 31, 2002
Glad it's not me!!!!!!! It is a great day to be clean/sober.
Monday, October 28, 2002
October 28, 2002 bottom
When I was drinking, I rationalized my behavior and actions by telling myself, "I'll quit once I hit bottom." That's how in denial I was. I was admitting I had a problem, but still enabling myself to drink by saying the above.
I'm here with this post to tell my story. I do not follow AA formally. I've never been able to share offline at a meeting. Before I tell it, let me note that bottom is relative. I've read about some hard cases?people that have a choice to either stop drinking or die. They've gotten sober, picked themselves up and rebuilt their lives from seemingly nothing. I respect them. You most likely will not categorize me as being a hard case. But keep in mind, bottom is relative. This is my bottom. It is not better or worse, just different.
"My name is Lost One and I am an alcoholic. It has been one year since my last drink."
This post celebrates a year of sobriety. Mine. My anniversary is Tuesday, October 29.[more]
Posted by Lost One @ 11:33 PM EST
[21 Chips]
I heard an addict share at a meeting recently, "My disease is a real asset. All I have to do is focus it in the right direction and i can accomplish anything i want to."
These words got me to thinking. How does the disease of addiction/alcoholism work FOR me in recovery?
For me, the most obvious is the way that I have taken on healthy eating and exercise. Back in January 2002, I started a diet to loose about 10 lbs. The successes of the diet lead me to starting an exercise program. Now, I’m 20 lbs lighter and alternate cardio exercise with weight lifting 5-6 days a week. Is it an obsession? Yes! I do not like the way I feel when I don't get my work-out in. I plan my day around that time. I turn off the cell phone. I don't schedule appointments. It is time for me. I haven't had the first piece of Halloween candy, although it is all around me! I'm addicted to fitness! ARGH!!!
Seriously, it isn't a bad thing, but it is truly a manifestation of my disease. I can't tell you the number of people, 'normal' people that say, "I can't do that! How do you do it?"
Just for today, my disease is helping me stay physically fit
Sobriety has opened up hours to me that previously were surrendered to the addiction. After several months of only being able to go to work, come home, go to a meeting and crawl back to my home, little by little i am learning the value of time and what can be accomplished in the course of 5 minutes, an hour or an entire day. I am emerging from my shell, one step at a time, towards my new life. Tonight I start a language class which meets Monday and Wednesdays. I would not have been able to do this 4 months ago. As I look at the textbook, i think "oh my god! how the heck am i ever going to learn this??" I thought the same thing when i looked at the 12 steps. I thought "this is too much! how can i change my entire life??" one step at a time...thanks for letting me share.
Wednesday, October 16, 2002
October 16, 2002 Checking In?
any news on the Rebos front? how about a quick check in from everyone?
i went to a meeting on Monday evening. i really didn't want to go. just one of those "F*&% it!" moods that plays with my head...all i wanted to do was go home and watch mindless TV shows...BUT, i had agreed to chair for my sponsor, who is on vacation, so i went. as usual, i was glad i did.
the topic was on balancing recovery with life-on-life's terms. good sharing! for me, it was a time to remember when i first got to recovery and how everything had fallen to crap: no job, broken relationships, arrest warrants, major debt, withdrawals, etc.... all i had left was this new found thing called recovery/NA. i was scared and desperate...so i did what they told be too: get and use phone numbers, meetings, sponsor, service, 90 in 90, pray, steps and no matter what 'DON'T PICK UP!'
now my life is full again. i have two jobs, a mended relationship with my wife and children, a renewed faith in my Higher Power, lots of stuff and a deminishing debt load...so now what?[more]
Posted by Theophany @ 08:42 AM EST
[15 Chips]
Sunday, October 13, 2002
in the heat of all things work and life related, it becomes easier for me not to drink. i have things to focus on: moving, working, living. so time is short. less time than ever to think of the drink. sure, stress might be hitting a peak, but i do not consider booze the option it once was. who am I kidding, booze was not an OPTION. it was the only answer, every time.
anyway, it hit me last month. not drinking is not enough. i've been doing well working on my recovery. from this life online and praying to seeing my psychologist and working on my relationships with my wife and my mom--i've been working on my recovery. i've been growing and making progress on who I am.
but in the thick of work and life, it fell away. it hit me that i was not making progress.
so i have since made it a point to try harder to keep doing all the things i am doing above. i need to be as vigilant about my recovery as i am about not drinking. i also realize there will be peaks and valleys, but i do not want to lose sight of this. thanks for being an important part of my recovery.
Wednesday, October 9, 2002
October 9, 2002 Romantic Obsession and Sobriety
I am speaking tonight on the subject of Romantic Obsession as it relates to my sexual recovery program. My bottom that brought me into recovery was a relationship that was WAY past it's expiration date. At the time I had very little sense of self. I would be anything you wanted me to be in order to be liked, loved, accepted, or even looked at. Anything to have my existence validated. 4 years ago, i didn't realize how much difficulty i had being in my own life or that I even had a life worth living. I waited in hope of being saved from my life. Yes, I was out in the bars 5 nights a week and developed a lifestyle wrapped around the bar / club culture. In order to fit in, i too became a 'player' yet all the while hoping to find the 'one' that would save me from all this.
Along came that person and I completely became lost in that relationship. All my decisions were wrapped around his wants, his needs, his schedule, his likes and dislikes. I made this person my Higher Power. Whatever little of value I had in my life (which wasn't much at the time since all i was pretty much doing was acting out with alcohol and sex) I surrendered over to the relationship. Never mind that this person was an addict (I can see that now). He was very attractive, very funny and came along just in time. He also turned me on to drugs. [more]
Posted by Omar @ 11:12 AM EST
[23 Chips]
Monday, October 7, 2002
October 7, 2002 Life on Life's Terms
well .. I guess this may help my day pass ...
my day is going much better .. I woke up this morning very depressed, which is a feeling I have been plagued with for quite some time .. the main question is why .. once again I believe its genetics. Both my mother and my grandmother deal with depression, as well as suicidal tendencies. I am starting to think that I am Bipolar and there is my reason for alcohol and drug use. [more]
Posted by Brad @ 02:36 PM EST
[19 Chips]
Thursday, October 3, 2002
Serinity has been difficult for me lately. I have been going through a lot and have a lot to deal with right now. I am not worried, just frustrated. I say the serinity prayer over and over in my head to get some of the crazyness out and to just meditate. Stinken Thinken .. Its driving me crazy ...
I think a lot has to do with not making as many meetings as my mind is used to ... Since I have made a meeting the last two nights I do feel better. I know it would be much worse if I was still using so in that aspect I am a little serine about these things.
One thing I have heard is not to worry or dwell on the problem but to find the solution to the problem.. hell most of if not all my solutions are months down the road and only time will tell. But if you think about it it (thats my first mistake I shouldn't think) I dont ever remember a problem that didn't eventually end up getting better in my life.
WHEN I AM 45 ALL THIS SHIT WONT MATTER
and that is what I tell myself when I just realized my credit is ruined. FUCK IT ...
last night, at my meeting, I needed to hear the following. "I am doing as well as I can" and damnit .. I can only do so much .. so with that said I will make some sacrifices to get my finances under control and will not dwell on my problems but will do my best to grow spiritually and find the solution(s) to my problem
arg .. for some reason my spell checker doesn't work in outlook anymore .. so you may see many mispelled words :)
