My Archives: September 2002
Monday, September 30, 2002
September 30
Being Ourselves
"Our real value is in being ourselves."Basic Text, p.101
Over and over, we have tried to live up to the expectations of those around us. We may have been raised believing that we were okay if we earned good grades in school, cleaned our rooms, or dressed a certain way. Always wanting to belong and be loved, many of us spent a lot of time trying to fit in - yet we never quite seemed to measure up.
Now, in recovery, we are accepted as we are. Our real value to others is in being ourselves. As we work the steps, we learn to accept ourselves just as we are. Once this happens, we gain the freedom to become who we want to be.
We each have many good qualities we can share with others. Our experiences, honestly shared, help others find the level of identification they need to begin their recovery. We discover that we all have special gifts to offer those around us.
Just for today: My experience in recovery is the greatest gift I can give another addict. I will share myself honestly with others.
Wednesday, September 25, 2002
it took some work, but i managed to process my recent choice about Doctor administered medication. i had a colonoscopy yesterday. the preparation for the prceedure was the most uncomfortable thing about the entire proceedure. think clear liquids. think laxatives. nuff said.
my biggest concern was the addministering of the medications into my body. normal proceedure calls for the use of a narcotic as part of the 'twilighting' process to enable them to conduct the tests with little discomfort to the patient. after consulting my sponsor, my doctor, my sister (who is in recovery and in the medical profession), praying and sharing at meetings, i decided to forgo the narcotic.
everything went well. i was sedated, using another medication and i am delighted to report that other than sleeping most of the afternoon yesterday, i feel 'normal' and i am having no cravings or side effects. it also helps that i got a clear report from the tests.
my point in reporting this, is to celebrate the program of recovery. meetings, sponsorship and the power of choice that i have at my life today, helped me deal with this situation and my feelings, and stay clean. of course, now my doc want to do an endoscopy to look in the other end. ;P
Sunday, September 22, 2002
September 22, 2002 Complacent Ponderings
All is quiet on the Rebos Front. Members are busy with their daily lives, enjoying the weekend's activities with family, friends, and (hopefully) some meetings. I, on the other hand, have been avoiding meetings. Oh, woe is me. I haven't been to a meeting in well over a week and I can't remember the last time I talked to my sponsor...near a week as well, me thinks.[more]
Posted by Trinity @ 07:54 PM EST
[26 Chips]Thursday, September 19, 2002
Yes I did attend a meeting last night. In fact Ginger and I went out to eat and she informed me that "Survivor: Thailand" starts tonight. I am a huge Survivor fan. Right away I realized that I had to make a meeting last night cause I know I can not go 2 days in a row without a meeting.
I understand the fact that I should put nothing before my recovery. But I also feel that I am ok attending 5 meetings a week. Theophany is right about the 90 in 90. The basis behind that is to change your habits. I may be wrong but I feel my habits have been changed. I don't feel the urge to use, and haven't felt it in quite a while. My relapse was for one main reason ... it was there so I took it.
I shared this with my sponsor. He basically said what ever works. Which is right, what ever works for me ... Its that simple. I make a much greater effort to read, pray and talk to my sponsor daily. I do make more meetings. I notice a difference because of this. I feel better and I am more confident in myself.
I am not trying to justify my actions .. just kind of letting you guys know where I am at right now. My frustration left quickly after I posted yesterday just for the simple fact that I called my Wife and told her how I felt.
Wednesday, September 18, 2002
I will be attending a meeting tonight. I really dont want to, but I have allready told my meeting goer's that I will meet them up there. I have been to a meeting everynight since I picked up my second white chip except for sunday night.
I dont feel I need to attend a meeting every night of the week. I have a wife at home. and I have a life also. I am occupied with work for about 10 hours a day. If I go to a meeting your looking at another 2 hours taken from my day. I would like to be able to relax, and enjoy some fucking television you know (no im not frustrated right now). Spend some time with the wifey ... I understand the fact that I feel better but damnit I am taking tomarrow off ... I am making it a point to go to more meetings than before. Of course I still read, pray and talk to my sponser everyday ... Which I did not do before. In fact I would go days with out doing anything about my recovery and I blame that on my relapse.
I dont know, Im just irritated with myself right now. Frustrated. We bounced a check today and the first thing I had to do was call my wife and tell her. Why couldn't I wait till I got home to tell her, I feel like I ruined her day. Live and Learn right...
since i can't post to my blog this morning, i'll inflict myself on you guys here. my blog/journal, www.theophany.us is having some technical difficulties, but, my trusted and able site administrator is hard at work on it...all in time. right trinity?
in the mean time...
i need a meeting. i have a lot of feelings right now about various work and personal stuff. i'm waiting on news on the job front, and anticipating an upcoming medical proceedure (sorta an alien abduction/probing kind thing). for a normal person (where are they? those normal people...damn them!), this might not be an issue, but in my crazy addict mind i'm already fired, jobless and dieing of cancer! the addicts mind can be a terrible thing (isn't that the slogan for an ad of sometype?).
so, i keep breathing, praying, and journaling. but, i need a meeting. i'm working all day today and tonight until 9 pm, so i guess i'll get to a meeting tomorrow. sigh
hummm...i stopped by the Humane Society yesterday and saw a really cute doggie...maybe the new Rebos? i'll keep ya posted! that's what i need! a new distraction...
Monday, September 16, 2002
Experiencing one of those "fuck recovery" moods. It's okay. I'm just being rather defiant in my program...avoiding my sponsor, avoiding my stepwork, avoiding meetings. I guess one of the reasons I've been avoiding my sponsor is because lately she has always been on my ass! She usually isn't so critical, she's usually very, very supportive. But lately, I don't any credit for following her suggestions...she just goes off on another issue of mine. I know she has issues of her own, but geez, give a girl a break! Of course, I'm sure some of these feelings stem from a desire for her to co-sign my bullshit, and I have to take a look at that. I just know that when I feel like this, like doing nothing & not going to a meeting, is when I definitely should be in a meeting. Lots of them. Different meetings. It's so easy for me to get side-tracked in my life and isolate recovery as something I do between 8 and 9 pm on Tuesday and Thursdays. I have to remember that my recovery has to be a part of every moment. Because every moment of my Life...my job, my marriage, everything, would be gone if I didn't have my recovery. I should call my sponsor and let her know what's going on with me...tell on myself, ya know?
Saturday, September 14, 2002
September 14, 2002 My Darkest Days
I wanted to take this moment to "officially" share...I find that I share a lot in the forums and do a lot of "code crunching" as Lost One fondly calls it, but I've been neglecting The Lounge area, so here we go. I am really in awe over what you've done with your recovery lately, Brad. Your strength, courage, willingness, and gut-wrenching honesty have been an inspiration and have reminded me what it felt like for me when I was first in rehab, struggling with active addiction, cravings, dark dark secrets, and emotional pain of the worst kind. This program is a simple one, but nobody promised me that it would be easy. Or fun. But they promised me that my life would be different, and that's exactly what I wanted. Anything different was better, because I had a one-way ticket to death in my hand, and I planned to use it.Let me share some of my darker side with you guys (and gal)...[more]
Posted by Trinity @ 06:21 PM EST
[26 Chips]today's reading seemed particularly short and to the point...
honesty is a biggie for me. i do ok most days. yet, i still catch myself lieing even about silly things; telling a lie when the truth will do just fine. for what its worth, my 'stories' tend to be a knee jerk reaction to the fear that if i disappoint someone, or if they disagree with my choices, that they will reject me and i won't get the 'care' and love that i want from them. hummm...didn't mean to get into fourth step stuff here! hehehe. well, on to the reading...
Just For Today
in narcotics anonymous--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
September 14
Secrets Are Reservations
"Eventually we are shown that we must get honest, or we will use again."Basic Text p.82
Everyone has secrets, right? Some of us have little secrets, items that would cause only minor embarrassment if found out. Some of us have big secrets, whole areas of our lives cloaked in thick, murky darkness. Big secrets may represent a more obvious, immediate danger to our recovery. But the little secrets do their own kind of damage, the more insidious perhaps because we think they're "harmless!"
Big or little, our secrets represent spiritual territory we are unwilling to surrender to the principles of recovery. The longer we reserve pieces of our lives to be ruled by self-will and the more vigorously we defend our "right" to hold onto them, the more damage we do. Gradually, the unsurrendered territories of our lives tend to expand, taking more and more ground.
Whether the secrets in our lives are big or little, sooner or later they bring us to the same place. We must choose-either we surrender everything to our program, or we will lose our recovery.
Just for today: I want the kind of recovery that comes from total surrender to the program. Today I will talk with my sponsor and disclose my secrets, big or small.
pg. 268
Thursday, September 12, 2002
September 12, 2002 DOING RECOVERY
last night's meeting was very helpful for me. the topic came from one member's sharing about having trouble just getting up off the couch and doing the simple tasks of day-to-day living. after several people shared we had the topic of 'Doing' recovery.[more]Posted by Theophany @ 08:18 AM EST
[33 Chips]Wednesday, September 11, 2002
I know, I know....I didn't even get started and then disappeared. A lot has been going on over here and I haven't spent much time online lately. Well, my wife really is pregnant. We got an ultrasound and saw the lil' sucker two weeks ago. It was amazing...I could see his/her heart beating and it finally felt real. Then a few days later, my wife got a job offer and a very good one. I have had a lot of stress going on over this. She's been out of work for a total of almost three months over the last 6-7 months and it has really hurt us financially. Then we found out we were pregnant and then the doubts really escalated.
Thank God for what I've learned in AA/NA/CA over the years. I always go back to the basics. If I do what's in front of me and do the right thing, everything will work out. And it always does, maybe not the way I want, but it works out.
Tuesday, September 10, 2002
September 10, 2002 white chip situation
Thank you all for you comments. I didn't realize the reason it started to get harder for me, I had lost my pink cloud. Hell I didn't even know I was on it.My headaches are genetic. My mother gets them very bad. The doctor says they are tension headaches, and in my case a result of my allergies being so bad. I am about to start taking allergy shots to take care of these problems and I do take medication daily to help with this problem.
[more]
Posted by Brad @ 11:07 PM EST
[18 Chips]The first days of sobriety were easy ... I didn't have a problem with wanting to use, and I felt fine (of course this is after my DT's and what not) .. but this shit is getting harder and harder ...
I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I have been ill for the past week or so ... Not being able to do anything because my head hurts so bad and all I can really do is lay down and rest ...
Ginger finally conviced me to go to the doctors and tell him about my headaches ... my fear of course Is I feel that If I take this medication I have relapsed ... I know that is not the case ... but I still feel this way ... So I went to the doctor since My head hurt so bad it was unbarable and got some medication ... the first thing I did was ask for a sample so I wouldn't have to go get the refill ... this way ginger gets the bottle and then she has controll over my intake ...
there is one thing .. I imagine, as an addict, that I will fake these headaches that I get just for the pills ... there is only one thing that I can say about that ... If I want it to work, It will
Monday, September 9, 2002
September 9, 2002 getting rid of playmates and playthings
as we're hoping to move soon, a garage sale mentality has settled on our house. if you sell it, you do not have to move it. rummaging through things has proven a little unsettling. the following items for sale are props detailing my old life all too well: the shotglass collection (some buy souvenir spoons when they travel); the briefcase mini-bar (handed down from my alcoholic father. have booze will travel); the oversized heiniken beer mug we used as a kitchen utensil holder for longer than my wife would care to admit and a kitchy antique shot dispenser. it is housed in what looks like a chrome bowling ball. it splits in half to reveal the shotglasses and shot dispenser.I'm giving it all to a friend of mine who will make good use of it. quite the museum of my past. the drug paraphenalia was tossed out awhile ago. but it amazes me now to see all of the equipment I had collected to make it that much easier to get loaded.[more]
Posted by Lost One @ 09:55 PM EST
[36 Chips]Saturday, September 7, 2002
September 7, 2002
before I you read this post keep in mind I have yet to talk to my sponser about this:A while ago I received some pills for my tension headaches I get from my allergies. I made a point to let the doctor know that I dont want anything narcotic... So he gave me some of the these NON-Narcotic pills ... Last thursday at lunch I had one of my typical headaches, It was pretty bad. I was going to take 2 of those pills (the label states take 1-2 ever four hours for headaches) and a goody's powder. Instead of doing that (for the fear the the 2 pills and the powder may cause some adverse affects) I took 3 of those pills. Needless to say I got a feeling of them. Weather it was medicin head or whatever, to an addict its an alternate state of mind. So the next day at lunch I had a touch of a headache so I took three more at lunch. Today I didn't have a headache, but just for that feeling I took 3 more ... I didn't feel it did its job so I took 2 more ... I am very upset I did this ... right now too upset to decide for myself weather or not I have relapsed. I talked to my Mother-In-Laws ex (who has over 15 years sober) and in his opinion... all addicts will take one or two more and I am doing really well for coming clean with what I have done and that I dont need to go back to my meeting and get another white chip. I understand where He is comeing from... But I really need to hear what my sponser has to say about this.
[more]Posted by Brad @ 03:07 PM EST
[33 Chips]Thursday, September 5, 2002
September 5, 2002 All About Perspective
Well, for once, I'd thought I'd share a word or two. I have a mild case of the Fuck-Its. Nothing too serious, but it could become a bleeder if I continue to leave it untamed. I just don't wanna....don't wanna get rid of my sponcee like my sponsor tells me to do. Don't wanna go to a meeting, even though I know I "should." Don't wanna write in my Fourth Step, even though I've been making wonderful progress. Don't wanna go to work ever again, even though I moderately like the job. Don't wanna be a grown-up, don't wanna be responsible. I don't wanna have to do this recovery-thing for the rest of my life cuz I just wanna be a lazy bum. I don't wanna have to get out of bed in the morning, or take a shower, or eat, or do anything for that matter. I don't even wanna think. I just wanna exist for awhile...[more]
Posted by Trinity @ 11:13 PM EST
[20 Chips]Wednesday, September 4, 2002
September 4, 2002
OK .. I will share :)Last week I only went to one meeting ... so I haven't been to a meeting in exactly one week today, the longest I have gone with out going to one. And I can tell a difference of how I react and feel. Don't worry I will of course be attending one tonight. The main reason I haven't been attending is because of the road trips Ginger and I have been taking, well that's my excuse anyway.
This weekend an old friend of Ginger's is coming in from Birmingham. They were talking about going out to Karaoke Saturday night. Ginger doesn't drink, at least when she does its very little, so I am not upset about that .. even if she did drink, I don't think I would find that a problem. However, Karaoke is one of my favorite things to do. I would love to go just to sing a couple of songs, have a couple of soda's and then leave... but I know that is not feasible at this juncture. I wouldn't have a problem with NOT drinking, but being around all the alcohol and drunk people would cause problems. I am sure It would cause a sense of Vertigo and I would probably pass-out. So I am not going, I will find something at home to do, and be productive (probably sit in front of the computer the whole time she is gone, as usual)
[more]
Posted by Brad @ 11:03 AM EST
[24 Chips]Tuesday, September 3, 2002
i've been dealing with a number of life-on-life's-terms stuff lately.
last night, i was chairing a meeting and felt lead to share about some of my grief and fear. prior to sharing the usual thoughts ran through my head, "What will others think? Have i been sharing too much? If i share my feelings, will the guys here see me as weak?..." i shared anyway. after sharing, i felt relief. the saying, "Pain shared is pain lessened" describes it well.
i don't know how i could manage without meetings and the people in the program. i'm just really glad i don't have too manage without them/it. i got some really good feedback.
more meetings
talk more with my sponsor
remember, 'just for today', let tomorrow take care of itself
pray
fear can be FuckEverythingAnd Run, or FaceEverythingAndRecover
step workthese things i CAN do.