My Archives: August 2002
Monday, August 26, 2002
i am experiencing such intense sorrow today. i put my dog to "sleep" this morning and his absence is haunting.
i am remembering people in the rooms sharing about feelings, and the necessity of moving through those feelings. so, i'm trying to allow myself some time to do just that. i took a half day off from work today. i am planning on meeting a freind of mine prior to tonights meeting, so i can talk through some of this...
i know that this feeling of loss and pain will yield eventually to healing and acceptance. but, for now, i miss the little bugger! i am glad that i'm clean now. in the past, i would have covered and shoved down these feelings, but today, i get to know fully the depths of caring and the reality of loss. and, as uncomfortable as these feelings are, i'll take them over the numbness of using and the spiritual void that using brings any day.
time to call my sponsor. later all.
Wednesday, August 21, 2002
August 21, 2002 What would you do?
weird situation.as you all may know, Ginger and I have a 'live-in' downstairs. We decided not to kick her out because she pays rent and its good money for us, especially when we need it. Instead we just gave her some rules and told her that if she breaks them she's out. Well her boyfriend, my old cocain dealer, was busted a couple weeks ago ... He just got out of jail and one of his sentences is 6 meetings a week for 2 years ... HA ... so what does he do. He asks Rose (our live in) to ask me to take him to a meeting. Well she hasn't asked me yet, my wife told me.
[more]
Posted by Brad @ 11:03 PM EST
[9 Chips]August 21, 2002 Sharing Bogart
Been a slacker at my online bloggin', ack! I chaired the meeting last night, like I usually do on Tuesdays, and I left the meeting feeling like an asshole. It was a huge meeting and when reading the usual crap I have to read as the chairperson, I said keep your sharing to 3-5 minutes so everyone can have a chance to share. There were about ten newcomers there, very important. So, the meeting gets going, and about the middle of it, I decide to share. Well, I ended up sharing for like 10-15 minutes. I didn't realize it at the time, I was just sharing all the things I did in my early recovery, hoping to help out some of the new people.[more]
Posted by Trinity @ 09:07 AM EST
[8 Chips]Sunday, August 18, 2002
i had a sponcee call me at today. he was pretty upset. i'll not devulge the details, but sufice it to say that he is dealing with a crap load of life on life's terms issues.
we talked. i listened. i shared what experience, strength and hope i had and reminded him to get to a meeting each day, work on his step and call me. after we hung up i had an overwhelming feeling of gratitude. i can rememeber when i was dealing with the chaos that is haunting him right now, along with feelings of self doubt and guilt. today, i'm not in so much chaos. i still have plenty of life's difficulties, but, by working the program, staying clean one day at a time, developing a relationship with HP, and doing some things differently, my life is more about routine than chaos. i'm glad.
thanks to all of you how are the program(s) of recovery! keep coming back...i need you.
Friday, August 16, 2002
Got the following spam at work and I had to share:
Subject: Alcohol Detector for Reseller
Personal Breath alcohol detector: Advanced MEMS Gas Sensor with high accuracy
Size: 5.7cm X 3.4cm X 1.3cm, Weight: 20g
Power Source: 1.5V Battery (Size AAA, UM-4, RO 3)
Electric Power: 151mA..CE, TÜV..CA-2000
Sensor:Highly selective oxide-semiconductor sensor
Housing:Shock resistant, molded plastic
Response time:3 sec., Warm up time:20 sec.
Recovery time:30 sec....CE, FCC...
Copyright @ 1999~2002 Alcohol org IncI'll spare you the obvious jokes and just leave it at this. I have my own alcohol detector...it's called my liver. My liver is like a divining rod when it comes to beer. Happy Friday to all:-)
Thursday, August 15, 2002
My sponsor took me to my first meeting away from my home group last night. This meeting had over 50 people in it, was a new comers meeting. It was quit overwhelming yet very interesting. I didn't share just for the sake it was my first time there and the number of people was intimidating. It was cool though, they dimmed the lights and let all the people with 6 months or less talk first, and then they open it up for the seniors ... what I enjoyed most about it was the serenity prayer and the lord's prayer, because there are so many people saying it, it was very spiritual.
I only get a sense of meditation at the meeting when we say the lords prayer. I also only pray at the meetings, my sponsor doesn't have a problem with this. He is very easy going, this is why I choose him (that and he wears van's, a 45 year old that wears vans has to be a cool individual). He doesn't insist that I call him on a daily basis, he doesn't get upset if I don't do my homework .. he is very opened minded and lets me decide what were going to do and at the pace I want to do it at .. he is always saying "if its alright with you". I like this, If I had a sponsor that was on my back all the time I wouldn't be happy, and wouldn't enjoy the experience near as much.
This is not to say that I am not hard on myself. If I don't complete the homework assignments, I get upset with myself .. and I am sure the first time it happens I will express that to my sponsor, and let him know how I feel ...
that's all I have, thank you :)
"Work the Steps or die!," he said. the meeting last night was great. an addict with 90 days clean shared about not wanting to work her step. within moments the floor was cluttered with people who wanted to share. some commented on the same resistance, others spoke of the need to DO THE WORK if we want to recover. one addict, with over ten years clean and a regular at meetings shared, "It is amazing that we say we are a part of a twelve step program, and don't want to work the 12 steps."
that about says it. i'm off now to work on my step. ::crawls off with tail between legs::
Tuesday, August 13, 2002
Just found out last night that my wife is pregnant! I think I'm still in shock, cause I don't really feel a whole lot about it right now. Lots of insecurities coming up....about finances and whether I'll be a good father, etc. We had tried for a while and then kind of gave up. I remember telling my wife that when it would happen it would be the right time. Then it happens and I'm thinking....hmmm, is it really the right time? ;-) But, it is, and everything will work out just fine as long as I stay clean and do the best I can. Geezus, I'm going to be a dad. :-o
August 13, 2002 Insight from another recovering addict
to follow up on my previous post ... before anyone commented, I went to another supervisor (keeping in mind my supervisor is very stubborn, and nobody cares for him) and she confirmed that is one of the things they 'kinda' need to do. Ask the employee if they can reschedule .. she did agree with me that is not the best of requests, however one of their jobs is to make sure we are adequately staffed and when an employee requests time off that was denied by our internal scheduling system they have to present that to their boss. I am glad I didn't go over his head, however I do not have a problem with doing that, I have done that before and put him in his place many a times.. but If I would have done that about this situation I would have put my foot in my mouth.[more]
Posted by Brad @ 10:26 AM EST
[32 Chips]Monday, August 12, 2002
tonight was a good meeing for me. wow! do we ever have issues with broken relationships fractured promises and generally a life well messed up! i know i did when i first got here and there are still some amends that i need to make.
most of the experience, strenght and hope that was shared tonight centered around allowing the program and step work time to do it's work, and working the basics of the program. i remember how riddled with guilt, shame and remorse i was when i got here, and rushing out and trying to fix things looked somewhat appealing...i wanted the feelings to go away! "maybe if i show them how good i am now and make some amends, 'they' will like me and i won't feel s bad," i thought.
fortunately, i had a sponsor to put the brakes on me. he and people in the program reminded me that there was a step for that and that i wasn't on that one, yet. now, i have a guiding principle: my job today is to work on me through the steps and the program. if i do that today, then the rest of the stuff around me will take care of itself. i have to do this for me, just for today.
the hope i can offer is that my relationships and amends are in far better order than they were. if i keep it up, maybe things will get even better...hummm..like the money i owe so many people!
August 12, 2002 Life Imitates Art?
Dunno how you feel about addict movies, but I saw one that, for me, was helpful. It showed me what could be, were I to jump off the wagon and start drinking again. That said, I do not want to post anything that might be a trigger, so I will keep this short and sweet.The movie is called "Trees Lounge." Circa 1996, the main character is a classic drunk who has lost his job, lives over the bar he frequents the better part of each day, and lost his girlfriend of eight years. The movie ends at a crossroads. The main character's main drinking partner has just died. He has arguably hit bottom. You can almost see him getting his moment of clarity...either that or he's surfacing one last time before diving head first into the rest of his drunk life.
I think he figures it out and gets into a program. But that's just me. I've watched a lot of these films: my Dad was a big fan of Clean & Sober with Michael Keaton. There's the more extreme side with Basketball Diaries and Train Spotting and, of course, Leaving Las Vegas. When I rented LLV, I started watching it while drinking a beer. That movie kept me at bay for a couple of days. And there's also 28 Days and When a Man Loves a Woman. [more]
Posted by Lost One @ 08:39 PM EST
[28 Chips]August 12, 2002 dont mean to double dip
I have a lot of anger all of sudden, let me explainnot too long ago ginger told me that she was going to texas to see her sister which is having surgery on wednesday and she would really like it if I went with her .. even without her telling me that, I knew that I need to go with her .. this is just another little step of my recovery, there are a couple of amends (well one really) that I need to make down there, and the last 4 or 5 times she has gone I have stayed home and binged ... So i told her I would go
I tried to get the time off via our 'time-off software' we use in our company .. and it was denide. ok no problem I will just send an email to my boss and our scheduling department telling them that I have 2 doctors appointments on friday and need to leave work at 1:00 pm ... so I did, about 10 minutes ago my boss came by my desk and asked me to reschedule the appointments because I was declined via the software ... ok .. so they are asking me to work around my doctors appointments for work .. this doesn't seem right, and frustrates me as well as pisses me the fuck off[more]
Posted by Brad @ 03:54 PM EST
[29 Chips]I am happy to say that the chat room is almost complete .. just some color tweaking and it will be ready to go
I worked on half of my homework this weekend ... I sat and wrote down everything that I could think that I am powerless over. and I really learned a lot from it .. I cant exactly put it into words right now, its almost like I learned a new feeling of contentment/understanding. While writing down all these things I thought very much of the serenity prayer, and came to realize there is a lot that I cant change and that is what I am powerless over .. while doing this I had to throw a little comedy in, such as "I am powerless over the release date of the Matrix sequel" and "I am powerless over gas Prices". I did the 'assignment' pretty much stream of consciousness .. and what was amazing is I didn't have to think about what I was powerless over and came to realize these are things that I don't have the power to change -- sorry if im rambling --
as for the other half ... shouldn't be too hard .. just have to read "the doctors opinion" in the big book. I imagine I will go to my meeting a half an hour early and finish reading it there so I don't have all the distractions of home.
this is my first post to addicted bloggers since we moved things around, so i'm just checking in..
Good News! a long lost sponcee called today. he is coming off of a major relapse and he isn't dead like i feared. we talked about getting started on the basics, and plan to meet at a meeting tonight.
hey! i have an idea. why don't we all go to a meeting tonight! then, post the topic(s) here? well, i will. care to join me?
Sunday, August 11, 2002
August 11, 2002 Chaotic Cover-up
I've found myself amidst a whirlwind of addictive chaos. And, for once in my semi-interesting life, it isn't my chaos. Thank you, god. However, chaos is chaos no matter how you spell it, and I am writing this after the realization that I have been manipulated and conned by someone else's active addiction running rampant. Surprisingly, I am not upset about this. It's kind of like it's my own dose of "crap;" I used to do the same things to people when I was using, so it's almost like karma is completing its circular path. I tend to have understanding when it comes to such things, I realize that my past has to complete its own circular lifespan eventually and that means I have to deal with consequences from old actions, whether I like it or not.Anyways, we'll call this girl Heidi. About a month ago, Heidi and I went to a movie and hung out for the afternoon. Then I don't hear from her for a month until I get this desperate message on my answering machine saying how I MUST call her immediately, yada yada yada. It didn't even sound like the same girl. So, I call her back and before I know it, I'm her "temporary" sponsor. [more]
Posted by Trinity @ 01:20 AM EST
[6 Chips]Friday, August 9, 2002
August 9, 2002 My first homework assignment
I have a homework assignment I have to (well not exactly 'have to', but even though my sponser isn't that strict... I need to be strict on myself for him) he wants me to read the doctors opinion in the big book and for step one he wants me to write down everything I am powerless over and why (he says not to make the why part to complicated, just a few words) I really am not looking forward to either of these .. so its homework if you ask me .. but I want to do them cause I know I will feel better ...I have this thing about reading .. I can read stuff on the internet all day long, peoples weblogs, tutorials, news stories ect ect ect ... but the funny thing is.. if you were to put any of this information in a book .. I wouldn't read nearly as much of the content, but on the internet I am likely to read the entire thing ...
[more]Posted by brad @ 04:17 PM EST
[9 Chips]Thursday, August 8, 2002
went to a meeting last night. frankly, it sorta suked. the sharing was about "anonimity" and how someone saw a employer nonaddict type person as she was going into a meeting. i guess i was in a funky space, and wasn't really very open minded. i missed most of the sharing. i was "up in my head" thinking about my son starting back to school and how i'd just come from his open house at school. my x-wife and my daughter were having one of thier 'fights', so i was kinda preoccupied with all that stuff.
in the meeting, i did hear some info. about being powerless over people, places and things...hummm...maybe that's what i needed to hear. let go...let 'god'. and maybe, i don't want to! :)
i guess my daughter and her mom will figure out their stuff, or not. either way, i'm powerless over their chaos, BUT, i don't have to join them in it. so, i'm done with it now. really. i am. not even thinking about it....
Wednesday, August 7, 2002
this was by far the best meeting I have ever attended ... of course it would be. I couldn't believe it .. three people actually came just for me (of course one of them being my sponser, who wouldn't have come because of work, infact he was 15 minutes late and I was about to be real dissapointed .. but he didn't let me down) that was the greatest feeling in the world .. I barely even know these people, but they wanted to see me get my 30 day chip WOW ...
I also felt I had one of the best 'shares' I have ever had .. one thing I was told about sharing (especially when your new) just say whats on your mind .. dont try and make a point, if you ramble, so what
August 7, 2002 higher power
for me, today has been all about step 2: We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. I've been getting into the whole Higher Power (HP) concept lately. Without my HP, I am powerless to alcohol. This gets me thinking about my faith in HP (not to mention Compaq! *rimshot* sorry, had to go there).It took me getting sober to be able to finally put my finger on what faith is to me. And it's all thanks to the simple, bumper-sticker philosophy that makes AA great.
life is like a roller coaster ride. sometimes the racing plunge down the hill can really suck. but I always told myself to just hold onto the safety bar for a little longer. before I knew it, I'd be at the bottom of the hill and all would be well. at least the worst would be over.
yeah, it's trite. but it's simple and perfect for AA. we're starting to learn things for the first time--free from mind altering chemicals. the simpler the better![more]
Posted by lost one @ 09:40 PM EST
[4 Chips]Tuesday, August 6, 2002
August 6, 2002 "the only requirment is the desire to quit using"
last night at a meeting someone said you are not a part of this program till you have completed step four ... I had a lot of respect for this individual and when he said that, it all went out the window ...bullshit ... maybe you understand more or you are less likely to pick up .. but that doesn't mean you are not part of the program ... he was actually one of the guys I was thinking about asking to be my sponser .. and then when I realized how hard headed he was .. i figured he would be stict, and hard on me ... I am new, i dont need that ...
[more]
Posted by brad @ 11:37 PM EST
[19 Chips]Hi, my name is Dan and I'm a recovering addict and alcoholic.
Thought about how to introduce myself and then I was like, "Duh."
Thanks again for inviting me. I do appreciate it. I guess I'm like everyone else here. Started out having fun and then one day found myself smack dab in the middle of hell and had not one clue as to how I got there and how to get out. Tried my best for years to climb out, but just made things worse. Finally reached my bottom and asked for help, ended up in AA, NA and CA, willing to do whatever it took. I went to 7-10 meetings a week for my 1-2 years and levelled off at 5-7 for the next few years. I got a sponsor and started working the steps. I did everything I was told to do, within reason, and I eventually got to the point where I started doing it because I liked it. I loved going to meetings and hanging out. All of my friends were in recovery.
At one time in my addiction, I wished I was dead every night. Recovery gave me back my life and I reached the point where I wanted to live. I actually wanted to live. I was a living, breathing miracle. A few years ago, I got my first computer and that opened up a whole new world for me. It led to me moving here to Omaha and meeting my beautiful and charming wife, something I never thought I would ever have. God, through recovery and sponsors and friends, has given me everything I could possibly want. Of course, it still is life with ups and downs, and I am still just as nutty as ever, but what it all comes down to is: Life is Good.
I had no intention to write all that, but it's kind of a short version of me.
Thanks again,
Dansomeone said at a meeting recently, "NA has taken away all of my excuses to use. If i use today, it's because i choose to."
there is truth for me in this. before, i could blame others..."if you would _...then i wouldn't." i could blame my life..."if i didn't have all these problems, i wouldn't," etc. or, my favorite toward the end, "i can't stop. i've tried, but i can't." for each of these, Recovery has taught me that i do have a choice. i can't NOT use drugs, but, i can go to a meeting, call my sponsor, pray (to whatever), read recovery literature, and, just for today...not use any dope. i can't, but we can...me and the people of recovery.
i have a choice today, through this simple program.
if you can read this post ... the everyone can now log in and post to the site .. unfortunatly i am having trouble with the cgi scripts (its broke and i cant seem to fix it) i have tried and to no avail ... and I dont have the time to troubleshoot this especially when we are about to be moving servers
currently the archives do not work, so dont try and go back and read something cause you wont be able to find it ... hopefully trinity or i will be able to salvage what we have posted ... its not gone, its there just for some reason greymatter doesn't like me
ok now for some good news ... i have a sponser people .. yes thats right, brad now has a sponser
Monday, August 5, 2002
greetings all. i just wanted to say how much i'm enjoying this new experience. in case you haven't figured it out, i don't have a clue as to how all of this stuff keeps appearing. web rings? community blogs? tag boards? ieieieieieieieiei! i'm enjoying the ride though!
thought for today: Sponsorship.
my sponsor is truly the backbone of my program. i call him often. sometimes we talk about simple things. sometimes i'm screaming, "I can't do this anymore." last week my job took me to another city and i had to drive through a location that has a strong history of using and acting out, for me. i was aware that i was uncomfortable about the trip and called him as i was leaving town. that simple phone call resulted in the relief i needed. my mind told me, even as i dialed the phone, "Don't bother him with this. It won't make any difference in how you feel." i'm really glad that my sponor is a part of my life. more than anything else, he helps me stay on track with the basics of my recovery: meetings, prayer, sharing, and..ummm...what was that other thing? oh yes! those steps....i really need to do some step work. Argh! i hate sponsors ;)Saturday, August 3, 2002
everybody, welcome our guru of the group. Dan has joined our community ....
HI DAN
ok ... I am very irritated this morning ... I added dan to the list over there on the sidebar and when I try to rebuild all the files I am getting an error (500 internal server error) so I am ready to get off my servers ... they are irritating the hell out of me ...
Everybody should have access to rebuild all files ... is anyone else having the same problem?
Friday, August 2, 2002
August 2, 2002 Ohm Strategy
First, I would like to report that the "Ohm" strategy is a great way to relax your stress from incessant urgings for more posts. lol. I'm posting, I'm posting!I went to a meeting last night (my home group) and I'm going to another meeting tonight, probably. I need one. Sometimes I get this disconnected, anxious, impending-doom type feeling and the only thing I can do to relieve it is showing up at a meeting. I admit that a lot of times I fucking hate going to meetings, especially because I have to listen to the same old people spit out the same old jargon that I've been listening to for the past few months and if I have to listen to those readings ONE more time I'm gonna BLOW!!!! However, it's times like these that I am ever so grateful for meetings as they are my only solace and source of strength. It's like going to church (although I'm not religious), I get reconnected with my true self...the self that is good in me, the self that I am striving for, and the self that is caring about others, about my own well-being, and about connecting to a higher-power. It's easy to lose this subtle good-self in the twistings of daily life, "reality", and in the addictious nature of my own thinking patterns. It's like giving my sick thinking patterns its medication to keep it from going baserck. (baserk? how do you spell that word anyways? CRAZY! is that better?)[more]
Posted by Trinity @ 05:47 PM EST
[18 Chips]when in doubt, pray
Thursday, August 1, 2002
They say every alcoholic remembers their first drink... I remember mine.I had just gotten out of 8th grade, and went up to Ohio to be with my grandparents (as I did every summer). My uncle had just got out of prison, and we got along real well .. go figure. My grandma let me spend the night with him and his wife, as long as I didn't tell my mother. One of the first things out of my mouth as soon as we were alone "I'm getting drunk tonight" .. that was one of the first signs of being an alcoholic for me. So We picked up a twelve pack of Heineken on the way home and I began to drink, and watch movies. Later on that evening on of his buddy's showed up with some Parason's pizza and I began to eat the best pizza I ever had. I had peanuts that night also ... I remember it vividly ... everything was wonderful, didn't have a care in the world. I finished off my drink with a mixed drink of 7-UP and some liquor (don't know what kind) and I remember asking my Uncle "I hope I'm not hung over in the morning" that was my fear. I had never been hung over and didn't want my first hang over to be spent on roller coasters. Sure enough, I wasn't hung over. I had someone help me control my drinking, but about 5 months later Me and a friend got into my parents liquor and I managed to drink enough to puke up all the cheese I had eaten from getting the drunk munchies ... but I still felt great, it was like I had found my higher power ... but the funny thing is I didn't know it ... I just let it take over
Looking back on it now I see how I descended that spiral down to quite a few lows ... and never realized ... HEY I HAVE A PROBLEM AND I NEED HELP ...
every time I would hit a low ... I knew something was wrong but never could pinpoint it... I would quit drinking for no more than 6 days and steadily let my disease progress ... I am very happy to be sober today and everyday I look back and see something in myself that I have never seen before, and when I see this I learn something new about myself ... its the best feeling in the world