My Archives: July 2002
Wednesday, July 31, 2002
July 31, 2002
it's another great day to be clean! i say this for myself to hear. it is the end of the month and as usual the amount due and the amount available don't match...heavy on the DUE side.in the past, i have met such situations by ognoring them, distracting myself from making choices, and often doing so by going out and buying something i don't need and saying, "F&*^( the dang bills!" today i am doing something different.[more]
Posted by theophany @ 09:58 AM EST
[24 Chips]Tuesday, July 30, 2002
I went to a meeting last night (I haven't missed a Monday meeting since I first started going) and shared, I informed the group about the little web project that I am in, and how I am told to "get a sponsor" ... I am trying, I know that one of the purposes to getting a sponsor is to be humbled, and I also know I need to get one before the end of the week because my mother in law is leaving (and she has been my temporary sponsor this far)
I only have 22 days here, and there is so much for me to take in right now that getting a sponsor is hard, but I am working on it. I was able to tell the group last night during my sharing that I am working on it, and will eventually ask someone ... What I may do since I would rather be approached than to have to ask someone is, when I am sharing, basically say that I am looking for a sponsor and anyone that would like to sponsor me see me after the meeting ... I don't have a problem sharing with the group but as soon as the meeting was over last night I was the hell out the door. I felt bad because of it. I don't understand. I have always had a problem talking to large groups of people and was always more comfortable in one on one situations. Why the hell am I leaving right after the damn meeting .. I give it about 30 seconds and if someone doesn't approach me, I get the hell out ... almost like I am scared of the place ... hell I don't know
July 30, 2002 relationships and recovery
i went to my Monday night home group meeting last night. great meeting. on Mondays we have a split women/men meeting. the topic for the mens meeting was all about relationships. i was reminded of Jimmy Buffet's words from his song, 'Fruitcakes.' "Relationships. we all got em. we all want em. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH UM?"the NA basic text says little about relationships, except that they are a difficult area for us. one theme kept surfacing last evening...[more]
Posted by theophany @ 09:06 AM EST
[15 Chips]Monday, July 29, 2002
What to do, what to do...I agree with Brad that we should all agree "in unison" about what is to be done. Of course, I didn't need to say that out loud, did I? :) I think Brad's message board idea is a good one...it definitely will be interactive with visitors and allow them to participate in the forum. And message boards are better suited for more contributors. And the mailing list thingie sounds good, too, but we may have to hold that in the Brainstorming Folder until we can come up with content ideas and sources.
Ideas, Ideas...
July 29, 2002 my thoughts
The only thing about making this blog public that would bother me .. I don't want it to get too crowded ... too many people I feel may ruin its purpose. Since we are forever recovering addicts, I would assume that as long as the page is active, and as long as you have access, you will continue to read/post to the site. I like the intimacy of this site right now ...[more]
Posted by brad @ 02:43 PM EST
[23 Chips]July 29, 2002 Promotional Brainstorm
I had thought about that myself, Theophany, thanks for bringing it up. I'm torn on the subject, really. I admit, the selfish part of me likes Addicted Bloggers just being the four of us and that intimacy between only a few people. But the other part knows that we recover by giving it away (I never used to believe this until fairly recently.) I think we have a rare and awesome thing going here, and it has helped me stay focused. And seeing you guys struggle with your own issues has helped me find some clarity with my own.Promotion? or Attraction? [more]
Posted by Trinity @ 10:24 AM EST
[17 Chips]July 29, 2002 to share or not to share?!
i'm filled with excitement and gratitude for this new forum, addicted bloggers. already it has added a new dimension to my recovery. 'we keep what we have by giving it away.'now the question arises, "how if at all, do i share/promote this site?" our program is based on attraction, not promotion, and although a part of me wants to rain down flyers from the sky proclaiming 'addicted bloggers unite!", i know that would do little but get me charged with littering. ;)
[more]Posted by theophany @ 09:52 AM EST
[15 Chips]Sunday, July 28, 2002
July 28, 2002 I wanted to, but I didn't
Tonight was crazy for me. Around 10 o'clock I started getting the feeling like I wanted something, but I couldn't pin point it. I thought maybe it was food, no I already ate and nothing looked or sounded good to me. Then I realized, I wanted a drink. Let me rephrase that ... I really fucking wanted a drink. A beer would take that edge off really quick. Give me that feeling like I was doing something. My mind was driving me crazy. At one point I was pacing the Living room and jumping up and down, cause damn it, I was fucking discontent and alcohol or drugs would take care of that in a heart beat. I imagine that first taste of the beer would be like a cool waterfall on an island retreat on a warm sunny day with a nice cool breeze brushing over my skin. I could use the cold bottle to cool off my forehead while sitting in a lounge chair watching the birds fly by. I would follow that with a couple tokes off a joint. Sit back relax and bake in the sun. But there would be only one problem, after that one beer, I would need another. I would never be satisfied just drinking one beer. Honestly if it wasn't for ginger I would have had a drink tonight. I feel like shit because of that. I am suppose to be doing this for myself not for others. Logically, if you think about it, I still am doing it for myself. I know she will probably leave me if I relapse, and I don't want to loose her. Therefore I am doing it for myself. Also I would like to think my Wife is a part of me. I would like to try controlled drinking, but I know the reality of the situation. Looking back I can see the downward spiral I was in, I didn't see it then mind you, but I see it now.
[more]Posted by brad @ 01:33 AM EST
[22 Chips]Friday, July 26, 2002
July 26, 2002 avoiding meetings
I haven't been to a meeting since Monday .. my excuses: Tuesday, I have only been to one Tuesday meeting and didn't really enjoy too much, its a closed beginners meeting, so the place is full of people and most of them are senior members. All the guru talk gives me an overwhelming feeling. Wednesday, I was way too tired. Thursday I have never been to a Thursday meeting and didn't feel like going last night, even though my wife asks me "your going to a meeting tonight, right?" I still don't go... so she made me make the promise of three meetings a week for the first 90 days. This is cool cause I enjoy going to Friday's and Saturday's meetings. Friday's meetings never consist of more that 6 people, and nobody there has more than 9 months so we all get to share about 2 times and have a great discussion. Saturdays are Open Speaker meetings, so I don't have to worry about sharing and sit back and listen to someone tell me there life stories.Sounds pretty bad, huh? I have been in this fellowship for only 18 days and I am already trying to avoid the place. And the funny thing about it, right now the meetings are my higher power
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Posted by brad @ 02:13 PM EST
[22 Chips]Thursday, July 25, 2002
Just got back from the meeting. I'm glad I went...apparently my home group members really missed me. I ended up sharing. People seem to think I'm funny when I share; I don't mean to be funny, I'm just being honest. I guess it's my blunt honesty that's amusing, who knows. I just share whatever runs through my brain at that moment, which can be a whirlwind of addict thoughts going round and round, never quite making sense, much like this sentence...
I just wanted to make it public that I am committing myself to a 7 in 7. I know if I try to do ninety meetings in ninety days I'll get way overwhelmed and quit, as usual. So I'm going to take it a week at a time. 7 meetings in 7 days, I can do this! Just for today, just for today (why am I reminded of Theophany as I write this? lol...)
Anyways, I'm glad I went. I feel better now.
Been working on my Fourth Step some more...coming to the realization that I am holding more resentments that I previously thought. And I'm taking their inventory...blaming the other person for everything, rehashing my anger. As my sponsor tells me, what I should be doing is finding my part in it...how did I contribute to the situation? What could have I done differently? This is very difficult for me in some areas because in some situations I don't think I've done anything wrong. And, for one, I don't like examining my defects...it's just not fun!
But as I am beginning this process, I am slowly noticing a change within me. An understanding; a calmness. It's like I'm starting to grow up with page I write, becoming more responsible, more compassionate, more...well, just better. There is strength in this process, I am starting to see that.
Going to a meeting in a wee bit, to my home group meeting that I've been avoiding lately. I just don't want to hear the "where have you been's?" and the ass-chewing. But the longer I take to go back, the harder it is. Going to a meeting is like going to the gym. I never feel like going, in fact, I usually am dreading it, but once I go, I feel SO much better. And I feel good because I did the right thing and I accomplished something. "Responsibility." ::shudder::
Now if I could only do that with the house chores...::eyes the mop with resentment::
for some reason I am having the urge to get back into web graphics and web design ... dont know what it could be, maybe my sobriety, or the fact that because Ive been doing this qa work i dont get to play on the internet at work nearly as long as im used to ...
I never could get the hang of making cool wallpapers, they allways turned out kinda childish looking to me... but I would like to perfect this ... i used to draw all the time in highschool (and while tripping on acid, which some of my best drawings came from that) and the moment I got out I quit drawing, that was in 1993 ... so ive lost a lot of practice with hand drawing, and I never really had the creativity to come up with my own ideas, but I was good at duplicating other peoples Idea's and twist and tweak those into my own
I also used to write a lot, wether it be poetry or surreal stories ... one time I wrote this story called "affirmations of a silkworm" the story made absolutely no sense and I enjoyed the hell out of writing it ... and there is nothing wrong with a story making no sense ... look at William S burroughs writings ... insane, but then so was he ..
now that I think more about it ... he was an addict just like me
hmmm, makes you think
July 25, 2002 A blast from the past....WHAM!
i'm feeling some uncomfortable feelings today...mainly, remorse, shame, anger and i bit of self pity.Cause: i found out last night that a freind of mine has spent the past year+ with anger and frustration over something she thought i did...making a "chat-line" phone call from her phone to the tune of $52.00. truth is, i didn't do it. but, the other truth is, while in active addiction, i certainly could have. and seeing how she knows some of my past...it make sence that she thought of me.
i truly hate that she didn't come to be (and still hasn't) directly. i'm sure we could have worked together and cleared this up. but, she didn't. so now i feel like i've lost another freind to my addictive behaviors...eventhough i didn't do it 'this time.'
so my disease takes my mind and runs it back and forward over my memories of past destructive behaviors and then drives right over my self-esteem. ouch. what to do?
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Posted by theophany @ 11:26 AM EST
[23 Chips]Wednesday, July 24, 2002
July 24, 2002 the roller coaster of sobriety
For some odd reason all of a sudden I feel much better ... I am not so worried that much right now about anything. I wonder how long this will last. (there I go again worrying about the future), but its hard not to think about it. I mean I feel really good right now, and I am going to go home and have some chicken wings, (this will be the first time eating chicken wings with out an ice cold brew) and spend the evening with my wife .. hell I might even drag myself to a meeting this evening, depend on weather or not we find something productive to do, other than sit around and watch TV.[more]
Posted by brad @ 05:34 PM EST
[16 Chips]above all else that carries me through the days of recovery is the slogan, "Just For Today."
it keeps me living in the moment, helps me let go of regret about the past and fear about the future. someone said, "If you have one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow, then you are going to piss all over today."
the truth for me is that i only can deal with what is before me today. i have no power over the events of the past and no control over the future. i can, however live in today. if i am tired and sleepy, then i live a day tired and sleepy. if i am lonely, then i live a day lonely. one thing is certain, today will pass and tomorrow will not be the same. it is funny how i can get all worked up about "I hope" and "What if" instead of simply living in this moment.
i'm clean/sober today. if pain, fatigue, and other feelings are a part of this day clean...well, just for today, i'll take it as it is, because that is what it means for me to stay clean today.
no matter what...i can go to a meeting, pray, talk with my sponsor, write, help someone else and keep coming back.
my thanks to all of the addicted bloggers. you help me stay clean today.
I was so tired last night, I didn't think I would have any problems getting to sleep ... yea right!! that was a joke. The past three nights I have accomplished to get about 60% of the shut eye that I used to. When I first quit using I didn't have any problems getting to sleep, in fact I was finding myself going to sleep almost an hour earlier than I was used to when I was using. So what happened? I figured I might have problems getting to sleep, since actually going to sleep really has always been a problem for me, passing out comes natural. What the hell, I was tired last night. I went to bed at 12 pm and I didn't fall asleep till nearly 2:30 ... the result, my eyes hurt, my head hurts and I'm tired as shit ... but I did manage to make it to work :)
hopefully I will not have this problem tonight.
getting a sponsor is a problem for me. When I go to meetings they always ask if anyone there is willing to be a temporary sponsor, and at least one male will raise his hand. I just feel weird having to go up and ask someone "will you be my sponsor?", sounds so 'geeky'. Especially considering I don't stay after meetings to chat with people, so I don't know all the personalities. I feel a sponsor is someone you should choose because of the similarities, or because you feel they would be able to help and understand you. And what if you don't like them, can you just say "I don't want to be your sponsee anymore" or do you stick it out and suffer ...
July 24, 2002 Walking Forward Again
After listening to Theophany's concern over the previous "logo" being a possible trigger, here is the final layout. How does it look? I think Theo was right and if any visitors stop by looking for recovery and see their beloved hypodermic needle right on the frontpage....could be bad. :) I think this is much more recovery-related and welcoming. And simple. Simple is good. Thanks, Brad, for letting me tinkle around with the design, I love to do such things. I'm such a friggin' nerd. I added recovery links that I know off the top of my head...if anyone knows of any more, speak up and let's add them. I'm also curious if anyone knows of an online copy of the NA Blue Book. ? I found the AA online Big Book, but can't find the NA version.For all concerned, I FINALLY went to a meeting last night!
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Posted by Trinity @ 01:45 AM EST
[19 Chips]Tuesday, July 23, 2002
July 23, 2002 stress, anxiety and emotional growth
Trinity noted she was not growing emotionally or spiritually when she was using. I can relate. My thoughts are clearer now that I am sober. This allows me to figure things out and, as a result, grow. This is not a pink cloud talking.Stress and anxiety are the two emotions I could really do without though. Sadly, they're in ready supply in my life. I?m tightly wired, type A, anal retentive and then some. My friends joked I'd have a heart attack before my 30th birthday. Thankfully I proved them wrong.
The way I see it in my life, stress comes directly from events in my day. Stress can be navigated. At work one day, wracked with stress, I inhaled a snickers bar. For me food is a release. This small action had a big impact on my stress. And I did not drink.
Anxiety however seems to come from the unknown ? fear of the unknown and how I perceive events might unfold in the future. I use the serenity prayer on anxiety. If I'm anxious as amphetamine over something I cannot change, I try and accept it. At least give it no more energy.[more]
Posted by lost one @ 10:22 PM EST
[24 Chips]i am truly greatful to be clean/sober today!
when i first came to the rooms, i was sacred to death. i had tried everything i could do to stop using drugs and failed again and again. the people i met gave me some suggestions: go to meetings, daily..get a sponsor and use that sponsor, get the phone numbers of other members and call them, and NO MATTER WHAT, Don't Pick Up!
i followed those suggestions and after a few days began to feel better physically. and then, like lostone mentioned, the feelings came...i felt better (i felt anger better, i felt sorrow better, i felt guilt better, etc.)
dealing with the feelings was tough. but, i followed the same suggestions -- meetings,sponsor,steps,service work,prayer-- and i began to learn that the feelings would not harm me, only the actions i took to try and change those feelings would harm me. recovery/sobriety is a great thing. it allows me to begin to experience life the way my Higher Power intended me too. it allows me to care for others and be cared for by others...and all of this comes slowly..one day at a time. this thing is about progress, not perfection.
in some ways, i'm still on a pink cloud. when life on life's terms deals me a blow and the uncomfortable feelings come (not all feelings are uncomfortable:)) i can always remember that above all else, i'm clean today and that makes everyday a success.
hang in there. keep coming back. i know i will, just for today
July 23, 2002 irritable, restless, discontent
better find time to read this post :)I was only happy yesterday at work ... Sunday and Monday have been my worst days so far, not because I have the urge to use, but because I have all these feelings and don't know how to deal with them ... My wife and I received a letter from the bank last Wednesday saying that if they don't get 2000 plus dollars by the 14th of august they will be foreclosing on our home (this doesn't include the other 2000 dollars worth of bills that we have to pay)... what the hell am I suppose to think? or even do about this? We have been in financial binds before, and we have always got through them with no problem .. but I had alcohol and drugs to help me pass the time while I was waiting, and now I don't. WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO TO HELP PASS THE TIME AND TO MAKE MYSELF BELIEVE THAT EVEN IF WE DO LOOSE OUR HOME EVERYTHING WILL BE OK?
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Posted by brad @ 10:12 AM EST
[22 Chips]Monday, July 22, 2002
July 22, 2002 Pink Cloud Syndrome
Ah, the infamous Pink Cloud Syndrome. I remember the Pink Cloud. It was very confusing because I felt good, free even, but somehow I knew it wasn't permanent, and that scared the shit out of me. I suspect that maybe it's a large Serotonin Dump, like my brain was cleansing itself of all the chemicals and dumping large amounts of feel-good neurotransmitters to protect my body from the pain of ridding it of such garbage. Or perhaps it was a huge "Thank YOU!" for getting clean. At any rate, it felt good but was very misleading. I'm sorry to say that it doesn't last, and I was pissed when people would tell me that...but it's true. Now, a year and two months later, I can look back and say I'm glad I didn't stay forever in that cloud, because I wouldn't get to experience...reality.I guess that's what I like to think of the Pink Cloud...it's the transition between Chemical World and the Real World. The Red Pill or the Blue Pill?...it's your choice.[more]
Posted by Trinity @ 11:45 PM EST
[31 Chips]once I stopped drinking and got sober, I realized I had to relearn a few things. like how to feel real emotions, for example, then deal with them. but the one that surprised me was relearning the concept of time.
what to do with all the time I spent drinking? how do I live one day at a time? for me, this can really mess with my head. bottom line is I need to remember that no matter how long I stay sober, I must be "vigilant on my watch." the minute I assume I've got everything under control, you can bet I'll wind up living out one of my 40oz. fantasies.
the time I've been sober won't make tomorrow easier or harder. my first 90 days were hard. my first 9 months were hard. tomorrow will be hard. but as long as I work on it, one day at a time, everything will be fine.
patience just does not come natural to me. I blame part of this fact on the microwave. come on, admit it. haven't you found yourself in front of the microwave, tapping your feet and thinking "come on, cook already!" the internet and broadband have upped the ante. I always expect bigger, better, faster more. and now I find myself slowing my brain down, taking a deep breath and realizing I don't need to have it all figured out. just focus on today.
for me, learning to tell time again is going to have to be more of a journey vs. a destination. now if I could just download mp3s faster!
today i am sober for 14 days ... and i am just begining to feel that 'pink cloud' which is scary.
what scares me about the pink cloud is that when i come down off of it im worried i might use, but that is just the begining of my fears ... ive also heard that the first year of sobriety is the easiest .. bullshit .. you mean that after 365 days its going to get harder? what do i have to expect .. nobody can tell me .. its different for everybody
one thing i find myself saying when i share at my meetings is that im scared --- from the first time i shared thats about all i could say, but what am i scared of? sobriety? why should that scare me?