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12/17/2002 Entry: "Mr. Secretary"
Man, it's been awhile since I've posted here. Slacker, slacker. Well, I'm feeling a little bummed and irritable...happens every 28 days, I guess. Sucks to be a woman sometimes. I didn't go to my homegroup meeting tonight like I should have, for a couple reasons. I was irritable and lazy, which are never good excuses but I'm gonna use them anyways. The other is a little more complicated and I'm doing my best to avoid the situation.
The secretary of my home group is this 40-ish year old man, very professional, one of those people you could never, ever, ever even think of in a sexual way. You know? Well, he has my email address to send me the occasional blurb about our Area Convention or our home group members, whatever. Well. The other day he sends me this email, going off on scotch being his favorite drink in his past, and then, out of nowhere, he puts:
"And, I've inluded a link below for sexual reading. Blah blah blah...I go to it when I don't get what I need at home."
Ack! Sexual Reading? Omigod. Totally, totally inappropriate. I was very much offended. And I am left with feelings of guilt....over what? Over nothing. It's like it's a natural response for me to feel guilty when anything chaotic happens in my life. In my past, I was always the cause of the chaos and therefore had every reason to feel guilty. Well, this automated response isn't justified anymore and I don't appreciate feeling this way. Oh well. Fourth step, right?
I guess I give off some kind of sexual vibe. I swear to god, it's not a conscious thing. I matured in a fucked-up, drug-ridden state of mind, where sex was one of the few, if only ways of relating to the people around me. To get drugs. Companionship. "Love." So the way I carry myself and relate to others is based upon this, and even though I don't mean anything even remotely flirtatious, it apparently comes across that way. I dunno.
So I guess that's what happened with Mr. Secretary. My other problem is drawing the line when someone steps over my boundaries. I don't wanna "hurt" someone, and a myriad of other excuses. Well, I decided it was growth on my part if I finally drew the line. Not responding to his email would be accepting his advance by default. So, I wrote back, and said that I did not think it was appropriate, that it made me question his intentions in our friendship, that my intentions are purely platonic, and that it would be best if he did not send me anything like that again.
He wrote back and apologized. But I didn't respond to that and I avoided the meeting tonight to avoid the situation. All-in-all, though, I'm happy that I said what made me uncomfortable. I struggled with whether or not I should tell my husband about it, feeling guilty, expecting him to accuse me of something. I know he doesn't tell me everything in his life. But, after talking to a friend, I was reminded that I am working a program of total honesty, and if withholding that information from my husband made me feel uneasy at all, then I needed to tell him. So, I did, and he was totally cool about it. Amazing.
Ah, the bed and my depressive feelings are calling my name. Thank you guys and gals for my recovery.
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